написал годик-полтора назад. кто в силах понять - покритикуйте
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yo once upon a time i was chilling i town
got myself some booze to be downed
out of da bottle pops out a genie
dressed up in nothing but a fuckin bikini
im standing there, speechless and started
"no fucking around - its time we get started
you got three wishes - what do you say?"
hey? three tonnes of ganj if i may...
next thing i know - right next to me
a motherfuckin truck, loaded with green
parked on double-yellows in the middle of town
and a traffic warden also coming down, now
what sort of g would i be if i flee?
better drive off now but i dont have no keys
genie disappeared, what a fuckin bitch
but if i shift it now i could still get rich.
no time for hesitation, i dont have no patience
to wait around for em pigs and get questioned
an elbow through the window, i get inside the truck
just to find out its out of gas. fuck!
on the way to the police station
i have the time to asses my situation:
possession of dope with intention to supply
fourteen years in jail dont get you high.
the walls of ma cell are oh so rigid,
but my genie pays me a visit
"you got two more wishes before i go free
lets sort it out now g, what shall it be?"
needless to say, i was fucking mad
i wanted pot but got a sentence instead
"help me break free or ill break your head!
last time i made a wish what did i get?!"
"help you escape? - easy said easy done
you see this shit here? - its called a gun
its bad boy's toy, so you can have fun:
run, shoot and smile once you're done"
bang! bang! two guards go down
but no doubt there'll be more around
you're against the law, the law's against you,
all you can do is hold your ground..
it was a hunt and i was the pray,
the hounds did their best but i got away
god the almighty told not to kill
but my instincts keep whispering: fire at will!
for them its a living, for me its a hobby,
show me a direction and im off, homie
left, right, jump duck -
someone's looking after me - genie or luck?
"or both - we follow close, and watch your every step,
and if we can - we help, while nobody knows
cos you can spend your whole life walking down the blade
balance, precision and skill, but every blade has an end,
and when you reach your blades end - consider taking a stand
now that you wanna go back - its just way too fuckin late"
mate, its nice to know that im out of jail,
having left trails of blood and those pigs i've nailed
and its also nice to know, that my future is bright,
cos i got one last wish to put it all right:
get out of your bottle and get into my shoes,
get into my hoodie, you can even drink my booze
but i get to be the genie and you get to lose
players always win, cos the play with fools
now i get to sit back and be da watcher in da bottle,
and you get my life, thats useless and rotten

not too fukking bad "hey? three tonnes of ganj if i may..." - this got me cracking. all the small typos aside, simply WAY better than most of the verses by our compatriots writing about "ridin' on chrome", "selling dope" and other such-like gangstafied dung.

A couple of notes though:
"parked on double-yellows in the middle of THE town"
"i have the time to assesS my situation"
"it was a hunt and i was the prEy"
"show me THE direction and im off, homie"

Rhymes like "startLed - started", "bitch-rich", "gun-fun" and "shoes-lose" might wash, but not when they are at the end of lines.

Sorry, that was the English teacher in me speaking

lol its cool man, critisism accepted. thing is if you flow it proper fast (like its meant to be done in this case) those simple rhymes (gun-fun ect..) dont even get noticed if you know what i mean.

Yeah, i know what you mean. And i have to admit - as quietly as possible, under circumstances - that i don't know jack sh!t about flowing: i simply never tried. But i have the ear fior those simple rhymes, that's why i listen to Canibus and The Last Emperor

never heard of niether...

if you've got fast internet i've uploaded some of my favourite uk hip-hop:

http://hip-hop.ru/forum/showthread.php?threadid=74323

sorry, my internet connection is a bloody dial-up, so we're talking 3-5 kB, which sukks big time =(
one of the few UK hip-hop acts i heard is Maylay Sparks (well, he's actually from the USA but he recorded in the UK so what the heck)

check out this:

I'd rather side with the ungodly and pagans
Than embrace a religion that still meddles
On who's the only and true God
It took those retards two millennia
To arrive at nothing, like the ideas of Lenin
Clenched fists, teeth bared, waving their scriptures
Who cares to stay with you and your hollow rituals
I'd rather preserve my faith residual
And turn spiritual only when liquor-habitual

Double-minded, double-speak, double standards
Who needs politics where lying runs rampart
Screw the gender and race, common people
Meet face-to-face and agree their governments are a disgrace
What's in it for you? Illusion of power? Five minutes of prime-time glory?
Those faces above white shirts and ties change fast like promotional banners
Same words, just different combination
You can further your nations, stop the starvation in Africa
Increase the peace and prosperity… all you do is indulge your vanity
Y'all are soon-to-be-living-comfortably
Trading your country's stability for advanced buying ability
You're high-class hillbillies, narrow-minded and criminally silly
Get a real job instead of paper-pushing positions
I want hell to exist so that you go there for all your dishing

dope dawggg....i liked the idea of ur rhymes...pretty resourceful...'stead of all that G crap that is goin on all over the fuckin place....
yeah Mozz was right bout em end rhymes like fun -gun n shit
it wont work out its just too threadbare and banal

though i sometimes use such myself in my pieces which makes ful outta me

props